


THIS IS A BURNER PHONE ONLY RELATIONSHIP

by blenderfullasarcasm



Series: akai shuuichi’s colourful dating history [CLASSIFIED] [1]
Category: Batman - All Media Types, Batman: Under the Red Hood (2010), DCU, Red Hood and the Outlaws (Comics), Red Hood: Lost Days, 名探偵コナン | Detective Conan | Case Closed
Genre: Crack Treated Seriously, Don't copy to another site, Gen, akai had made some Decisions in his past, one of those decisions was dating jason todd, text fic, this could totally happen what are you talking about, vigilantism is fun
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-25
Updated: 2020-08-25
Packaged: 2021-03-06 20:34:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,145
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26105026
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blenderfullasarcasm/pseuds/blenderfullasarcasm
Summary: Akai Shuuichi [14:36]hey just faked my death heres my new number
Relationships: Akai Shuuichi | Okiya Subaru & Jason Todd, Akai Shuuichi | Okiya Subaru & Kudou Shinichi | Edogawa Conan, Kudou Shinichi | Edogawa Conan & Kuroba Kaito | Kaitou Kid, past Akai Shuuichi | Okiya Subaru/Jason Todd | Red Hood
Series: akai shuuichi’s colourful dating history [CLASSIFIED] [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1895398
Comments: 13
Kudos: 138
Collections: Modern Epistolary (aka Scrapbook Stories)





	THIS IS A BURNER PHONE ONLY RELATIONSHIP

**Author's Note:**

> IT'S MY BIRTHDAY I CAN POST CRACK FIC IF I WANT TO
> 
> Special thanks to [xxELF21xx](https://archiveofourown.org/users/xxELF21xx/pseuds/xxELF21xx) ([ankh-o](https://ankh-o.tumblr.com/) on tumblr) and the [@dcmkfanzine](https://dcmkfanzine.tumblr.com/post/615889427524386816/dcmk-zine-quick-updates-as-the-contributors) server for making this happen.

Okiya Subaru, formerly known as Akai Shuuichi, was desperately, mind-numbingly bored.

Impersonating a grad student taking a semester off to work on his thesis was, surprisingly, less work than he’d thought it would be. It had only taken him a couple weeks to brush up on his knowledge of engineering (which had previously amounted to fixing cars, hot-wiring cars, making bombs, dismantling bombs, and creating makeshift projectile weapons when necessary - none of which were remotely related to his supposed thesis topic) and another few days to get used to his new identity. After that, though, there wasn’t really anything for him to do.

He supposed he could actually work on his thesis, using his newfound knowledge of engineering.

...He wouldn’t, though.

He knew enough about the topic to explain his thesis in both professional and laymans terms, and some of the theory behind it, and that was enough. He could fake the rest if necessary, and there was no practical point to learning more.

He’d downloaded someone else’s thesis and removed approximately half of it by deleting parts from various sections and rearranging the rest to make it look like it was a work in progress, but anything more than that was a waste of time and resources.

He wasn’t really earning an engineering doctorate, after all, and he needed to stay vigilant. He could be going back into the field at any time - and, besides, just because he’d managed to successfully fake his own death, it didn’t mean that the Black Organization wasn’t keeping an eye out for him.

And, of course, thanks to the same supposedly successful faking of his death, he’d cut himself off from all of his FBI colleagues, so he didn’t even know definitively whether or not the Organization had believed his performance.

The only way he could get anything remotely close to reliable information was through cryptic conversation with someone who was technically a _six-year-old._ An admittedly intelligent sixteen-year-old stuck in a six-year-old’s body, granted, but still - sixteen wasn’t _that_ much better than six _._

_Six._

Someone who looked like a six-year-old was currently the closest thing he had to a colleague.

This was his life now.

Understandably, he was on edge almost constantly, waiting for the other shoe to drop. He hadn’t slept soundly in months.

(Though, to be fair, it wasn’t as if he’d _ever_ really managed to sleep soundly.)

...And now he was stuck with watching over a giant, empty house with nothing to occupy his time but cleaning and keeping himself in shape. He also occasionally listened in on his neighbor’s conversations to maintain his surveillance skills, at the aforementioned six-year-old’s suggestion, but for the most part nothing particularly interesting happened unless Conan called him directly, which was surprisingly frequent but (unfortunately) not often enough to assuage his boredom.

(Making that near-impossible shot had been exhilarating, though.)

In any case, he couldn’t currently contact anyone from the FBI but James Black, who was too busy to bother just because Akai was mentally atrophying from soul-crushing boredom. Any friends he’d had in the Organization had been burned when he’d left, and in any case he’d faked his death for them, mainly, so calling them up to complain about his boredom would be a _monumentally_ stupid risk.

He considered calling someone from his family, but only briefly before laughing aloud, a sharp bark.

Akai loved his family, he did. But he preferred loving them from a distance. They weren’t the type of family that called each other every night, and half of them were in hiding anyway, so a call from out of the blue just because he didn’t have anything better to do would be met with voices taut with barely-hidden panic and anger once they discovered there was really no reason for him to be calling.

So, really, his only feasible options in terms of human interaction were going to the grocery store, which he’d done yesterday, or babysitting the kids from the professor’s house, which would almost certainly end in murder. It could be interesting, sure - putting together the pieces of the puzzle to solve the mystery and apprehend the culprit was always at least faintly enjoyable, but Akai was at the point where he was so bored that he didn’t want to bother with moving from the cozy chair in the Kudous’ extensive library. It felt like it belonged in a museum, or a public building at the very least, rather than an empty mansion. He knew someone who’d love to take it over given half a chance, but unfortunately they were currently pinned down in the US.

Oh.

Now _there_ was a thought.

Gag orders on faked deaths probably didn’t apply when the person being told had already died, Akai thought as he unlocked one of his burner phones and sent a text that he probably should’ve sent weeks ago.

**Akai Shuuichi [14:36]**

hey just faked my death heres my new number 

* * *

Jason Todd didn’t take good care of his burner phones, for the most part. 

Why bother? 

They went in a series of scattered public garbage cans at the end of the week anyway, completely wiped of any data that could help the Bats track him or his operation. They had access to a comm channel linked to his earpiece if whatever they wanted was urgent - they didn’t need his personal phone numbers as well.

(He didn’t kid himself, though - Barbara probably knew each and every number by heart, but their ideals aligned enough that she hadn’t mentioned it to the Bats. Jason knew there was a reason that he’d always liked her.)

But there was one exception.

In his old apartment, the one where he’d lived with his mother before she’d died and he’d ended up on the streets lifting tires, there was a loose floorboard. And beneath that floorboard was something that looked like concrete, but was actually some sort of alien tech that Roy had (accidentally) repurposed into a combination shock-absorber and DNA reader. The whole building could be blown up (an unfortunately regular occurrence in Gotham), and the not-concrete and anything below it would be just fine - though to anyone other than Jason it would be indistinguishable from regular concrete.

Encased in that not-concrete, there was a safe, and inside that safe were five things: his birth certificate, his adoption certificate, his death certificate, a picture of Catherine Todd, and an old burner phone, which he made a point to check every time he led the Bats on a wild goose chase via his weekly phone disposal.

Just in case.

In case of _what,_ he wasn’t entirely sure, because no one had contacted him on that phone in years, let alone often enough to justify his frequent check-ins.

At least, until now.

Jason stared at the phone for a long moment.

Three people in the world knew his permanent number, and apparently one of them was texting him

**[Unknown Number] [1:36 AM]**

hey just faked my death heres my new number 

Jason’s lip quirked upwards involuntarily. What a way to break the news.

There was only one person that could be.

And thus there was only one way for Jason to respond.

**Jason [9:48 AM]**

You only _faked_ your death? Pussy.

The reply came almost immediately.

**Akai [9:49 AM]**

not all of us have cheat codes babe

Jason raised an eyebrow at the appellation, because even when they’d been dating (though dating was perhaps a strong word for rooftop trysts and sniper battles) they’d never been particularly fond of - oh, right.

Someone contacting him through this specific phone happened so rarely that he’d forgotten the failsafe app he’d used to install in every single burner phone he’d ever owned. It was Roy’s invention (because of course it was) and it replaced all names, especially those who had a proactive nightlife, with pet names.

Roy had called the app ‘❤️The APPle Of My iOS❤️’.

Because of course he had.

Jason’d stopped using the app about five years ago, when he’d had to share one of his phone numbers with Dick - which had, of course, prompted an endless series of inane texts that’d had _nothing_ to do with the case at hand.

Long story short, apparently Roy had decided that ‘Dick’ should be substituted with ‘Babycakes.’

Jason no longer installed the app on his burner phones.

But Akai Shuuichi apparently still did.

**Akai [9:49 AM]**

not all of us can get resurrected by someone punching a hole through the space time continuum

**Jason [9:50 AM]**

You could be too if you weren't a coward.

Just die for real next time and hope you’re as awesome as me.

How'd it happen this time?

**Akai [9:51 AM]**

bullet to the head followed by exploding car

left a substitute corpse behind of course

Of course.

Jason was not going to ask him where he’d found said substitute corpse. It would be hypocritical, and Jason was many things (drug lord, assassin, literature nerd, former Robin, zombie, murderer...the list went on) but he was not a hypocrite.

Well, he tried not to be, at least.

So instead of asking the many questions that raised - Why had Akai felt the need to fake his death? Was it because someone was after him, or was he just being a dramatic bitch? Where had he gotten the spare corpse? Did he just have them lying around? Or had the FBI helped? Did the _FBI_ have a bunch of corpses lying around _just in case_ one of their operatives needed a body double? - he typed:

**Jason [9:53 AM]**

You didn't die honorably? Pathetic, 3/10.

Come back after you've been whacked around with a crowbar then exploded trying to save your birth mother from the bomb set by her crazy, murderous clown of a co-worker.

Jason had always had an... _acquired_ taste in humor.

Luckily, Akai appreciated it and was just twisted enough to laugh at his jokes. Jason doubted they would’ve made it as long as they had if he hadn’t.

**Akai [9:54 AM]**

eh i give that a solid 7/10

Jason spluttered. Never mind, he took it back.

**Jason [9:54 AM]**

Only a 7?!?

His fingers trembled with restrained rage as he struggled to type out his response, too worked up to care about punctuation when it was easier to just hit enter at the end of each sentence. It also had the added bonus of spamming Akai with message notifications:

**Jason [9:55 AM]**

I came back crazy

I trained for years with assassins

I planted a bomb under the batmobile

I almost killed the replacement

I tried to kill B and then when that failed I tried to make him kill me

Or the clown but we all knew that was never gonna fucking happen

And Akai _knew all this,_ so why was saying things that were almost _certain_ to make Jason’s vision go green at the edges, make his tightly capped anger bubble up in his chest?

**Akai [9:57 AM]**

ehhh

What the _fuck._

**Jason [9:58 AM]**

Seriously??

Jason took a deep breath. 

And then another. 

And another.

It did nothing to ease the scowl carved into his face or the vibrant, radioactive green he knew was creeping its way into his eyes, but it _was_ enough for him to come up with a mostly-civil reply.

**Jason [9:59 AM]**

Then what does it take to get a ten?

Jason and Akai worked better together when they weren’t actually in the same vicinity to feed off of each other. It was why they’d gone their separate ways after the fight that had semi-directly resulted in some of Gotham’s fanciest town houses exploding, only keeping in contact occasionally to make sure neither of them were dead.

Or dead again, in Jason’s case.

**Akai [10:01 AM]**

made to eat a pill thats supposed to 

disintegrate your body but instead deages you ten years

Jason blinked, not entirely sure what he’d been expecting, but that certainly hadn’t been it.

**Jason [10:01 AM]**

??

That was the only way he could think to articulate the sheer multitude of questions that raised. Not least of which was: How was that rated higher than his own death? It wasn’t _that_ unusual to get de-aged - hell, it had happened to Akai himself the last time he’d stopped by Gotham.

In what world was that ranked higher than _dying and coming back to life?_

(Although that also seemed to happen with astonishing frequency in Gotham.)

**Akai [10:02 AM]**

you are now in your six year old body and trying to track down the organization that tried to kill you

Akai had apparently taken his series of question marks not as _what the actual fuck_ but as a request for more information.

**Jason [10:04 AM]**

...And?

It still wasn’t anything particularly special. Wasn’t that what everyone who’d been de-aged had to do?

**Akai [10:05 AM]**

you run into murder scenes every other day and you have to solve them but still keep your identity under wraps

Jason was still waiting for the punch line.

**Akai [10:06 AM]**

you are not and have never been a vigilante

you are not from gotham

in fact you have probably never heard of gotham

...And there it was.

Jason had to admit defeat, because that? That was definitely...something.

...Well, no one said he had to accept his defeat _gracefully._

**Jason [10:10 AM]**

Okay, fine, I give that a 9.5/10.

Damn, I have to meet this kid.

Someone with a life that was possibly borderline as fucked up as his own? That, he _had_ to see.

**Akai [10:11 AM]**

passports are kind of an issue for him right now 

Jason snorted. Since when had Akai cared about silly things like the law?

(He honestly had no idea how Akai had tricked the FBI into hiring him.)

**Jason [10:11 AM]**

Passports are technically an issue for me, too.

Seeing as how I’m legally dead and all.

**Akai [10:12 AM]**

yes but you have an alien spaceship

its not like you have to go through tsa

Jason was forced to concede the point. Kori’s ship was pretty awesome - almost as awesome as Kori herself.

But not quite.

**Akai [10:13]**

also even though hes pretty liberal with following the law for a detective apparently that doesnt extend to smuggling himself in/out of japan

i speak from experience

Jason could sense there was a story there and he wasn’t sure if he wanted to hear it.

Okay, that was a lie, he totally wanted to hear it.

**Jason [10:14 AM]**

Give me a current photo and a week and that won't be a problem anymore.

**Akai [10:15 AM]**

you realize it sounds like youre about to take out a hit on him right

Jason snorted. As if. 

**Jason [10:16 AM]**

Please, you know that if I needed a hit done, I’d do it myself.

And besides, I don’t hurt kids.

Unless they were vigilantes and in his way, Jason mentally qualified. Putting on a brightly colored supersuit and practically _daring_ him to shoot at them meant that they knew what they were getting into.

**Akai [10:17 AM]**

i know an assassin whos not too picky

**Jason [10:17 AM]**

Oh yeah?

Did you date them too?

**Akai [10:17 AM]**

no comment

That had been...a suspiciously quick response. Akai _had_ to know by now that that would only make Jason more curious. Was he...trying to keep the conversation going?

What the fuck was the world coming to, that _Akai Shuuichi_ was the one initiating communication?

**Jason [10:18 AM]**

Were they also at the top of the FBI’s wanted list?

**Akai [10:19 AM]**

no

A beat, and then, almost sheepish (as much as an indifferent bastard like Akai could be sheepish):

**Akai [10:21 AM]**

mi6s

Jason whistled, impressed. There was no way he was going to let Akai know, though. This particular iteration of their relationship was one based on burner phones and one-up-manship.

There was _no way_ that he was letting Akai get ahead.

**Jason [10:21 AM]**

Aw, now I don’t feel special anymore.

I thought _I_ was the only morally gray murderer from the top of a national intelligence agency’s Most Wanted List that you’d ever dated.

**Akai [10:22 AM]**

i dont think id call it dating

besides they’re not on there _now_

**Jason [10:23 AM]**

...but they were when you were ‘having relations’?

Jason knew that Akai hated that phrase and relished using it just to spite him, because sure enough:

**Akai [10:25 AM]**

ugh

no comment

Jason could picture the way his face had probably screwed up in disgust.

Ha.

Classic Akai.

**Akai [10:25 AM]**

anyway i dont think i can persuade the kid to 

just jump on a flight to the us for no good reason

**Jason [10:26 AM]**

Are you saying that I’m not a good enough reason?

I’m hurt.

Jason paused just long enough to make Akai start to wonder if he’d _actually_ been hurt, then typed:

**Jason [10:30 AM]**

Shove him in your carry-on, then.

That was another reason he and Akai’d never really worked together - they were just a tad too competitive for their own good. 

Well, that and the fact that the FBI couldn’t really have one of their agents dating someone from the top of their wanted list.

**Akai [10:31 AM]**

i would but that exact thing happened to him last month 

got smuggled into singapore by an internationally wanted thief

nonviolent thief sure

and i think they _might_ be friends

it's hard to tell

but still hes probably on his guard around suitcases now

**Jason [10:33 AM]**

...Sweetie, I was joking.

Jason stared at the words on the screen for a long moment. 

Apparently Akai’s name corrected itself to ‘sweetie.’

Good to know.

Akai still hadn’t responded by the time Jason had finished dying a little (more) inside, so he added:

**Jason [10:40 AM]**

Please tell me you weren't actually considering it.

Jason did not have high hopes.

**Jason [10:45 AM]**

You were, weren’t you.

He doesn’t get a reply until he’s safely ensconced in one of his many safe houses for the day, taking the phone with him just to satisfy his morbid curiosity. Akai must be _really_ bored if he was texting Jason, of all people.

**Akai [12:17 PM]**

i could say i wasnt but that would be a lie

guess youre not meeting him after all

what a shame

Jason stared at the screen for a long moment.

He took it back.

 _This_ was why he and Akai hadn’t worked out.

It was because Akai was a _dick._

**Author's Note:**

> two seconds later in the outlaws group chat:
> 
> **{Chat Name: dick grayson who? i only know jason todd}**
> 
> **Jason [12:18 PM]**  
>  So who's up for a trip to Japan so I can punch an asshole in the face?
> 
>  **Roy [12:25 PM]**  
>  sure not like i got anything better to do
> 
>  **Kori [12:30 PM]**  
>  it sounds most entertaining!
> 
> \-----
> 
> does this tie in to tmqimh? It Might
> 
> come visit me on [tumblr](https://blenderfullasarcasm.tumblr.com/) or check out [my translation sideblog](https://blenderfullasarcasm-translations.tumblr.com/)  
> feel free to send me questions or prompts there!  
> (including suggestions on who else akai might have dated lol)


End file.
